NOTE FROM AN A.W.O.L. SOLDIER

by Jennifer In Calgary
September 7, 1998

In Colossians, Paul talks about how our eating and drinking rules DO NOT change or control our sensual indulgences. So, we must recognize that success in WDW stems NOT from controlling the food, or even controlling the amount, or stopping when full, it's about controlling our human nature, our 'sensual indulgence'.

Once we realize that we must battle the desire to sin, then we are attacking the ROOT of our problem... our nature is to overeat and use food as a god. In our SPIRIT we have a problem, the problem is MUCH bigger than our eating, our weight or our actions. Our problem is life threatening as it divides us from Christ. It jeopardizes our spiritual life when we readily seek another god over our true GOD. THAT is the 'secret' - we must keep this battle where it belongs; In the realm of the spiritual (For we battle not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities of this dark world).

NO rules about eating can change our sprits. Gwen give us the understanding about food and how our bodies work so we have the knowledge of the mechanics of the solution. But ultimately the outward changes are merely consequential (as Gwen also says!). We are NOT to lean on our own understanding - I believe that this is where I have become lost in the desert. By having the knowledge of the program I have begun to lean on my knowledge to get me through. I believed that KNOWING was enough... IT IS NOT!!! I know that the WDW is the right way, I know how the weight is lost and how I should be eating and acting outwardly to achieve this result, but when I lean on MY knowledge, I lack the power to do it because I am addressing the problem on my own. By this action, I have already missed the point! When I act alone, I have forgotten the purpose of the program - to find and lean on Christ to defeat our inner sensual indulgence.

In realizing this, I must come before God as a lone warrior who has disobeyed the General and has gone into battle alone and against the WRONG ENEMY! How humbling! This is true repentance... to understand ourselves enough to see what we are doing with our desert experience.

I have been attacking my weight problem for the last 6 months alone. The first 3 months in WDW I called upon Christ for help and insight with WDW. (And lost 40 lbs. - all of which I have gained back). But once I felt I knew the program, I forgot the spiritual nature of the program all together. WHAT WAS I THINKING???

I have been feeling so 'sorry' about how I have failed in this program. Sorry and guilty about my regaining the weight (all 100% of the 40lbs I had lost). Sorry about my lack of control, and my disobedience to the 'eating rules' I had found in the WDW. But I realize that this is a HUGE lie. I have not been sorry about the SIN.

I have not felt sorry about disobeying God. I have felt very depressed and very guilty and I thought it was because of my food failures. But to repent and CHANGE I have had to realize the TRUTH.. that my disobedience, my battle alone against food is sin, it is in this understanding that I find the means to repent. To come before God and ask for forgiveness and mercy for the true sin... in THIS there is power and grace. But I must bring the real failure before Him. Not my failure to stop eating, not my failure to wait until full even... These are only reflections of the problem, they are symptoms (and we can sure spend a lot of time treating the symptoms and not the sickness, can't we?!). The real sin, the real issue - is that I have turned away from God's help in my daily life.

I ask for forgiveness from my actions with food, but forget the spiritual agenda that left me vulnerable to sin with food in the first place - the agenda that puts God lower on the list of 'things-to-do' than He should be. That is what I have to bring before God and give to Him... my spirit of independence. My self-inflicted food failure that resulted from my lack of communication with God and my failure to rely on Him for my strength - instead of MY understanding, MY power, MY will. When I repent of this sin I will begin by journey in earnest through the desert.

"God knows that repentance is the first thing that has to happen in the heart of a person before they can accept God's will" Gwen - Tape 5

I am now sure of these things... the repentance is not about the food, it is about the Spirit. It is not about the mouth or the stomach, it is about the heart. It is not about the failure in battle, but about who and how we have battled. It goes deeper, is more spiritual and even worse than I had imagined. In my re-gain I have deliberately turned away from Christ and unwittingly refused His help or love. I desired to do it alone so the victory could be mine. I am thank-FULL for the defeat for it has lead me to the truth (God had this all planned didn't he?).

In this TRUE REPENTANCE (applied moment by moment, day by day) I will find the will of God, and the solution to my painful wanderings that lead me straight back to the heart of Egypt. Once I repent of this will of mine, then - and ONLY then - will I find and be able to submit to God's will. Until I understood this truth, I could not even FIND God's will or know His plans for me.

And so, my earnest journey into the desert has started a year after I thought I was doing WDW right. August 8th, 1998 is my new departure date! A whole year after I started in WDW. I think this is a good reflection of the level of stubbornness I have reached in my heart. I ask for your prayers that God can turn my strong will into a dogged perseverance that will take me all the way to His beautiful Promised Land.

My prayer is for you out there who are as blind as I have been, may God use this letter 'from the edge of Egypt' to open your eyes to the truth you have tried to run from! Let me know if I can pray for you more specifically in an area... I know how you feel... the guilt, the confusion, the strength you have given the program only to feel like you have failed. I have even been deceived enough to wonder if the program is even right! But it IS, this is the RIGHT PATH... we just have to find the True Guide who will be the lamp unto our feet and provide us with the energy to go the distance, all the way into the Jordan and to the Promised Land of His!

I hope that this will help and challenge you as much as it has me! Feel free to copy, re-send, publish, quote this in any way you want to!

Love In Him,
Jennifer in Calgary :o)
E-MAIL: jen_darc@telusplanet.net
HOME PAGE: http://www.telusplanet.com/public/jen_darc/

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